Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Vacation is a time where most are able to relax, unwind and forget about the woes of their day-to-day lives. For me, this has never been a possibility, as my horribly hilarious luck tends to follow me wherever I go.

The events in this story are no different.

This all took place when I was at the ripe age of fourteen. I was with my mother, my step-father and one of my (at the time) best friends, Tonia. We were visiting Eureka Springs, which is a small Arkansan town filled with small, quaint shops, a haunted hotel and a few novelty stores. After shopping for a while, we decided to check out one novelty store in particular: Judge Roy Bean's.

Judge Roy Bean's is a photography studio where families or friends can dress in costumes and take pictures against interesting sets. The photos end up looking vintage and (usually) pretty hilarious. For our picture, the photographer decided I would make a good prostitute, dressed me as such, and stuck me on the bar. My friend Tonia was in a more modest dress, and looked like she could have been my mother.

After placing my on the bar with a skimpy dress, heels, fishnet hose, a gun in one hand and an empty bottle of Jack in the other, the photographer proceeded to position my feet for the sluttiest photograph possible. Unfortunately, as Murphy's Law has and will always rule my life, she pushed just a little too hard.

I fell right behind the bar on to a giant iron sculpture. Why the hell a huge, heavy, painful wrought iron monstrosity was behind the fake bar of a southern scene, I guess I'll never know. At any rate, it banged me up pretty good. In one hand I still had a fake gun. In the other, an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. My floppy hat covered my face and my dress covered my shame. After I finally recovered, I asked how many other times that had happened.

Apparently, I was the only one. Of course.

After recovering from my fall and collecting our picture, I ran to the nearest public restroom. Eureka is a old, small town, and pretty low on public restrooms so I had to settle for a giant, hot line of toilets just inside an open doorway on the street. Without looking, I sat down. And on to the waiting stinger of a fat bumble bee.

I'm sure you don't know this, but I have a horrible phobia of bees. They are what my nightmares are made of, so this was quite the horrific experience. I walked out of the restroom, white as a ghost with sweat on my upper lip. My mother asked what was wrong, and after I told her I had literally sat right on my worst nightmare, she couldn't control her laughter.


Just as I was recovering and talking with my parents, fate decided to add insult to injury. Also, she decided to add a little more injury as well. I got a little too into my conversation with Tonia, and with no warning whatsoever from my family, I walked straight into a pole and almost knocked myself out. Perfect ending to a perfect day.

I don't know exactly where the original photo I'm referencing has run off to, but I will continue to search for it, and when I find it, it will be here! I also ended up going back to this establishment with my (now ex) boyfriend. They recognized me, and after making a few jokes were extremely careful in my foot placement on the bar.

As always, thank you for reading.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious occurrences just seem to find you! You should write a sitcom about your life haha :)

    Also, why were they trying to make a 14 year old girl as slutty as possible?? I hope you find that picture haha!