Thursday, April 19, 2012

Looking Up

Sometimes a feeling comes along that I just can't keep in anymore. Something so wondrous that even though I know no one will probably read this, it needs to come out. It's not even a singular feeling, it's more the combination of everything happening right now coming together and creating a feeling that I haven't experienced yet... The past few months have been an uproar of life and I feel like I'm finally living.

For those who don't know the stereotypical makeup of a Gemini, this probably won't make a lot of sense, but in a nutshell we're very dichotomous creatures, witty and guarded, yet still usually happy and versatile. Although I love being me, I love feeling the way that I do, I hate the way I come across to others. I don't even realize what I'm doing, but I somehow confuse people with the way I act... I know for a fact how I feel about someone but my affect and the way I carry myself seems to show the exact opposite. I don't know how to fix this, I don't even really know exactly what I'm doing. I just know this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

I try to pull back and not make myself too available, and the automatic perception is that I don't want anything even remotely serious. That I'm too free-spirited... and unfortunately that's not what I want at all. I want more than anything to experience real, deep, passionate love. I want  to finally be "that girl" that someone can't stop talking about, that girl that they think of every time they see something remotely romantic... I've always wanted this and it seems like my personality is killing it for me. I feel hopeless in this, I don't know how to fix something so deeply rooted in my personality.

Not to mention that for the first time in my life I've become somewhat of a social butterfly. I've been invited to so many events, finally started going out with "the girls", and I feel wanted by everyone except for the one person I want. I guess that's always how it goes, though, the only person you really want to fall for you is the one person you're just not sure about... It almost makes you wonder if maybe the reason you want them so much is because they're the only one who isn't begging for a chance...

Also, I've been working nonstop... I now sell candy for a living. Although I love kids, and I also love candy, at times I'm worried that I am literally going to beat a child with a giant gummy bear. Honestly, just pay attention to your children and don't let them stick their hands in candy bins, how hard can that seriously be? Just say "hey, kiddo, maybe sticking your grubby little hands in the candy isn't the best of ideas", I mean come on....

So we have a five pound gummy bear at work. Yes, five pounds. That's around 6,000 calories and 1,500 grams of carbs. I had a teenage boy ask me "Hey, what would happen if I ate this whole thing in one sitting?" The only thing I had to respond with was "Diabetes". Not the best of salesmanship, but hey at least I'm honest.

I don't really know what possessed me to write this, maybe the hopeless romantic in me is thinking "Hey, maybe he'll decide to read this and figure out he's who I'm talking about..." I think it's more about just getting it out, finally admitting what's going on and putting it into words somehow makes it feel more manageable and less like I'm throwing myself out there with no clue as to what the hell I'm doing... Romance movies do nothing to prepare you for things like this, and frankly neither does anything else. Everything I've been taught, everything I've seen has told me that there should be some dramatic profession of love that makes everything obvious, that makes everything fall into place and just make sense. I realize that's unrealistic, but you can't blame a girl for wishing. All I know is that I want to keep feeling what I am now, not the confusion, but the rest that's just so indescribably good I don't know how to handle it. Maybe I over-think things because I have to convince myself that things can't possibly really be this amazing... There has to be a catch somewhere about to pull everything out from underneath me. Or maybe this is real. Maybe this is the beginning of a beautiful life finally coming to fruition. I guess everything remains to be seen.

No comments:

Post a Comment